and the not-so-literary ones too. before I immerse myself in weighty tomes of elizabethan and jacobean dramatic and poetic masterpieces, I'm reading some well-earned crap. and by crap, I don't mean crap. I mean nice and fluffy stuff. that requires little to no attention. aaaaaaaah, fluff. hence harry potter. and girlfriend 44.

the premise of the latter is basically this amazing, luminous, goddess-like woman who waltzes into the lives of two flatmates. blah blah blah. but it's the sodding descriptions that fuck me right off. no matter what she wears, no matter what she does, she's so goddamn luminous. protagonist looks at her, and boom! he's in love. she's his golden girl, his number one, she haunts his every waking moment, yadda yadda yadda.

there's always one. take any romantic classic, and the heroine is always so bloody luminous. with that undescribable and inexplicable quality which makes her so frickin perfect.

can't she get a pimple? or get really fucked off and grouchy one morning because she's slept through the alarm and has to rush out the house all minging and dishevelled, instead of glowing and looking deliciously rumpled and fresh whilst giggling coquettishly?

grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

think I'll go back to harry potter. I suspect that hermione might not arouse such ire in me.

notable quotables

The eleventh commandment – thou shalt not be found out – is the only one that is virtually impossible to keep these days (Berta Buxton)

so I'm on the train going down to london en route to stay with t'other half for the weekend, and I overhear a coversation between a group of blokes behind me, one of whom I was sure I know (and it turned out I did):

a bloke : what do you mean you used to fancy a fraggle?

another bloke: I did, she was well fit. what's wrong with fancying a fraggle?

a bloke: because it's a fraggle.

yet another bloke: yeah, but I used to fancy one of the muppets

a bloke: which one? I always thought miss piggy was a bit of a fox

another bloke: actually, that one with the long blonde hair and big pouty lips with the long eyelashes was tasty

so there you have it. muppetophilia. who'da thunk it?

notable quotables

A friend is one who knows all about you and likes you anyway. (Christi Mary Warner)

she's got her own bloggy looky likey - fools! why, her twin is none other than ms jezebel, heather harrumph. duh.

and she's not the only blogger with a celebrity doppelganger you know.

ms orbyn herself is quite clearly a double for that bird on the cover of the iio single, rapture.

and mr plasticbag.org is obviously a dead ringer for jack nicholson. I ask you.

any more lookey-likeys?

notable quotables

Moses dragged us through the desert for 40 years to bring us to the one place in the Middle East where there was no oil (Golda Meir)

as someone very astutely pointed out, I am a very big sleepmonster. since being back home, despite my noble intentions to get the holiday essay well out the way (have I done it? have I bollocks!) this week I have mostly been...sleeping.

simple equation at uni (applies to a lot of areas of life). you have essentially two blocks of time: day and night. you have three blocks of things to do: work, play and sleep. essentially, the work has to be done, although it can be interchangeable with sleep at various points during the day. but generally, daytime is worktime.

so nighttime is either playtime or sleeptime. well, I'm not likely to miss out on playtime, am I?

so that's what holidays are for. I got up at twelve today, but the call of the duvet was just too much.

it's such a nice duvet. it literally pins you down to the bed so you just can't get up, even if you really really want to.

by 3pm it was naptime again.

love, the sleepmonster xxxx

notable quotables

Give a man a fish and he has food for a day. Teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the entire weekend. (Zenna Schaffer)

what would have happened if three wise jewish women had gone to bethlehem istead of three wise men?

they would have asked directions.

arrived on time.

helped deliver the baby.

hired someone to clean the stable.

made a brisket.

and brought practical gifts.

and what would they have said to each other after they left?

"did you see the sandals mary was wearing with that shmatta?"

"the baby doesn't look anything like joseph."

"virgin? I knew her in school."

"can you believe they let all of those disgusting animals in there?"

"I heard that joseph doesn't have a job"

"and that donkey they are riding has seen better days"

"we'll just see how long it'll take to get your brisket dish back."

notable quotables

I shall be an autocrat, that's my trade; and the good Lord will forgive me, that's his. (Catherine the Great)

happy holidays and all that. but c'mon, lovely traditions and all, it's a bit of a cop-out!

candles, dreidels, all that jazz. fine fine, steeped in years of tradition, blah blah blah. but they only tacked the presents bit on 'cause the jewish kids got pissed off that their gentile friends got a whopping load of cool stuff at christmas, and they just got some chocolate money.

and who said jews were stingy?!

little johnny moskovitz: why didn't I get a bike/playstation/trip to the moon like tom/dick/harry?

mum: because we're jewish. now shut up and eat your chicken soup.

me? I'm doing all the candles, all the jewish bits, but come christmas day I'll be chomping on that turkey and pulling a cracker. because, as we all know, the good baby jesus had turkey and stuffing for his birthday dinner, and the three wise men brought crackers, party hats and bad jokes...

...erm, yes, well, anyway.

happy holidays!

notable quotables

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor (Joan Rivers)

yes, this chicky has been gone (again). and term is over (again). and the blogging recommences (again). and the bitch resolves that she'll be so much better next term (again)

get a theme here?

so we'll try and keep it short and sweet, so you won't get too bored, and I might actually keep up the good intentions. mwahahahahahahah.

what's been happening while I've been gone? let's see.

• work - wot larks
  

• casa de kitschbitch. and how. environmental health, housing rights - generally trying (and eventually getting some way towards succeeding) in kicking the arse out of the bastard landlord and agencies. arsefaces.
  

• cherwell - designed the website, but they haven't found someone to update it yet, so it's languishing a wee bit - but soon, will have brand spanking new content. woof!
  

• balls! we're having a ball with these chaps, this april. I'm the web monkey.
  

• poncing around at the union - went to a couple of debates, and blagged my way into schmoozing at the drinks thang afterwards. may I observe what vile piggy little men both anthony worrall thompson and peter stringfellow are - the latter hijacked the debate on women's rights to talk about his nob. delightful though I'm sure it isn't, he then proceeded to give some poor gal sat near the front an impromptu lapdance. in the middle of the debating chamber. oh yes, and piers hernu, gave out his hotel room no. in the hope of getting a shag. in the debating chamber. what classy chaps!
  

• daffy costumes. halloween notably. wonder woman - oh yeah!
  

• the birthday. twenty. make that twenTEEN. I refuse to be a twentysomething, nosiree. got the wowfabgroovy 72 dpi from the boy, as well as a naughty l'il getaway to london to the theatre and a romantic dinner, some nice odds and ends from the family, and stuff from the housemates....
  

• fish! sid and nancy, aka a shubumpkin and a goldfish. sadly, sid couldn't hack the pace, but nancy even survived the journey oop north, and photos will be forthcoming
  

• the boy - dahling! mr i like paper and pens aka mr bitch aka me luvvly. smooches n all that - also kept up the blog sitting project whilst I was crap
  

• vaginas! having been wimmin's officer for the past year, now that my term of office is now over, I decided I needed a fresh challenge. so, all being well, I'll be staging a production of the vagina monologues for v-day oxford, to raise money and awareness for oxford rape crisis and rawa. keep a look out for a feature in marie claire, and watch this space for lots more vagina talk...

notable quotables

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking (Elayne Boosler)